Friday, May 1, 2015
Confession of and Working with Loneliness
It is amazing to observe what happens when I feel loneliness. I go out enough and do things, but I also stay in, and at least try to do my creative things. Sometimes I get tired and overwhelmed and just feel alone, but still the loneliness is not empty. I pick up the guitar and start playing something and a lot of passion comes out, and I create new music and words, or play songs I learn and enjoy it. With this comes a desire to share, and I imagine sharing as I jam it out, and then I try to develop it into a song.
Or when I write, sometimes it is hard and I just don't have the mental energy, and I just have to relax and watch TV or be sexual. But when I engage my writing it carries its own thread; there is a strong sense the material is connected to the heavens. I don't say that to be grandiose, I think it is the nature of the Word. It all has to do with the Word and searching out essential things about it and communicating them to an audience. I feel compelled that I need to do this; it’s a good thing.
Basically I am seeing, (which is also true of anxiety), that inside the loneliness there are many colors and messages to be found and mined. There is a richness in searching the feelings of it, but also important to seek out others.
When I want to share in the moment I think of sharing with someone I know, because we can work in harmony on music and I know she has an inner understanding of the Word, and could relate to what I feel. She can help me, and share with me toward my goals, and I desire to help her with hers.
I still think of sharing with another woman too, mostly because you know the most about me, and the other is not 'mine' to presume on. I am sharing this because of the psychological struggle to deal with loneliness. I can spend time in the richness of my inner life, but then want to share the value of what I discover, and there is no one there, and I am back to loneliness. Its Ok, I keep trying.