It is amazing to observe what happens when I
feel loneliness. I go out enough and do things, but I also stay in, and at
least try to do my creative things. Sometimes I get tired and overwhelmed and
just feel alone, but still the loneliness is not empty. I pick up the guitar
and start playing something and a lot of passion comes out, and I create new
music and words, or play songs I learn and enjoy it. With this comes a desire
to share, and I imagine sharing as I jam it out, and then I try to develop it
into a song.
Or when I
write, sometimes it is hard and I just don't have the mental energy, and I just
have to relax and watch TV or be sexual. But when I engage my writing it
carries its own thread; there is a strong sense the material is connected to
the heavens. I don't say that to be grandiose, I think it is the nature of the
Word. It all has to do with the Word and searching out essential things about
it and communicating them to an audience. I feel compelled that I need to do
this; it’s a good thing.
Basically I
am seeing, (which is also true of anxiety), that inside the loneliness there
are many colors and messages to be found and mined. There is a richness in
searching the feelings of it, but also important to seek out others.
When I want to share in the moment I think of sharing with someone I know,
because we can work in harmony on music and I know she has an inner
understanding of the Word, and could relate to what I feel. She can help me,
and share with me toward my goals, and I desire to help her with hers.
I still think of sharing with another woman too, mostly because you know the
most about me, and the other is not 'mine' to presume on. I am sharing this
because of the psychological struggle to deal with loneliness. I can spend time
in the richness of my inner life, but then want to share the value of what I
discover, and there is no one there, and I am back to loneliness. Its Ok, I
keep trying.
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